[Koji]

The title sounds more emo than it really is.

In anycase maybe I should explain more about what I'm posting about. I have done some soul searching and come to some revelations about myself and my work ethics concerning mzx, which personally I find a shock. Who know you guys might already know this stuff.

When I was very young I was very socially awkward. I honestly don't remember having friends, but there were thoes I tagged along with that didn't mind me around I guess. I vaguely remember coming realize this in 4th grade that brought me to tears, and my teacher at the time actually bribed one of my classmates to be my friend, this lasted all of a month. At some point between this time and HS I developed a habbit of cronicly lying trying to make myself seem more interesting, or of more worth. It got really bad and I wont go into the details of some of my worst lies. My habbits of cronicly lying have since subsidded.

In my late junior high and highschool years was when I got involved with mzx and it was a medium where I felt I could express myself. I Loved mzx mostly because the limitations allowed me to work on stuff without worrying too much about how it looked, as expectations were low. However by '97 I think I had access to the mzx community and found what others were making. I guess I sort of developed some sort of inferiority complex. I had finished a couple games of my own and shared them with friends I had made late in grade school, but thoes never got onto the internet and were never formerly released as they were crap compared to what I found in '97 on Mworld and the like. I joined the community after playing Cans and thought that was how people really acted, I was very socially inexperienced, and really still am.

I became convinced that my work needed to be of better quality and toiled long hours trying to make things look better, I never really got over this feeling and this is what I now blame for not ever releasing anything formerly in mzx. Everything I made and released was either a demo of an engine or some other thing was tacked in it to explain and excuse the crappiness of the project that never quite looked like i wanted it to. As the years went on this problem got worse as my expectations for my output grew greater.

Much of the work I actually completed in mzx was worked to the point I thought it was a dead end and then was deleted in disgust, which I would then blame on a hard drive crashes (cronic lying's ugly head stirs a bit). In short, I have stupidly high standards for my work, and at this point I believe them to be nearly impossible inside of mzx or at least beyond my abilities, every project so far doomed to failure.

I am still very socially awkward at times, and will probably never finish anything in mzx, and now what's worse is my terribly high standards are creeping into other aspects of my life, fun fun.

so yeah, I guess that's me...

Who are you?

This post has been edited by Koji: 05 December 2008 - 08:09 PM

[Hoof]

you know, more often than not, a story like this ends with "and that's why I'm addicted to pain killers" or "that's why I drink alone 6 days a week". I think that mzx- whether or not you pump out games like mad- is a better supplement to being a chronic introvert. I don't share the same past as you, but for me, this program spurs my creativity and focuses it. I don't release anything either, but I allow mzx to help me problem solve and tone down my creations within set limits. There's nothing wrong with seeking perfection, but when it obviously starts to affect you emotionally and mentally, then go ahead and stand back and remember your limits.

I think that the best mzx games were centered around a niche. Sometimes that means short games, sometimes not. Like Luke- he obviously has an extensive background in rpgs and house music and that amalgamation works amazingly for him. (He even managed to add pro wrestling to that, with mixed success...)
CJA and Guy (among others) successfully dominated medium-length smiley-jumpers for a while.

I don't take my endless stream of unfinished games as a failure, and I really don't think you should either.

But yeah, your story is a little emo.

This post has been edited by Hoof: 05 December 2008 - 08:42 PM

[NoahSoft]

im this guy i rule+++

[commodorejohn]

Dude, you're not even remotely the only person who does this, don't be so freaking hard on yourself.

[Koji]

Don't get me wrong, I was just thinking about my past and suddenly I found this undeniable chain of links that kind of describes EXACTLY why I do the things I do in this community. It was just a super weird eye opener, and I was wondering if anyone else had similar stories of self revelation.

I really didn't mean this to be emo, but yeah I have an emo background which is funny because I'm far less emo than any emo kid who has no reason to be. In fact I'd say I'm pretty much happy go lucky (to a fault) most of the time.

[Ando]

Back when I was a ZZTer I released tons of ZZT games, some of which are actually worth playing.

Did this raise my self-esteem and respect in the community? Hell no.

The goal is to learn how to not care about stuff like this.

[Maxim]

I used to think this way. Then I stopped thinking like that and started getting a lot of things done. Still am, more than ever.

If you want to prostrate yourself on the ground and wait for an uneventful death though, feel free...

[Koji]

Honestly, why is everyone thinking I'm being down on myself?

[Padz]

I don't think you're being down on yourself. Just looking back on your life to see how its shaped your life today, primarily your mzxing.

I've been trying to do the same but can't really come to a conclusion to why I mzx the way I do.


At school I was a bit of a grey-kid. I had a few good friends but we all didn't really fit in to the stereotypical groups. we got on with most people, but was generally left alone. This suited us fine. A few of us got into Mzx about 10 years ago but i'm the only one who has kept going.

Anyway, my way of mzxing is that I cant stop adding ideas that I want to do to my games, they alway just seem to get bigger and bigger and more open ended! Even when starting a game I write text docs full of ideas, which I then don't have any idea how to start and they normally get binned after a few boards. For me to get something started I need to just start making engines and boards without and plans and see what comes out!

I'm also not good at bugchecking because when I start I end up wanting to add something else to the game. Therefore bugchecking takes a back seat while I make more boards! It's a never ending cycle!

I'd quite like to hear other peoples thoughts on there mzxing.

[Maxim]

Hmm, Padz has a good point. The main thing that makes it seem like you're down on yourself, though, is you forgot to say there that you aren't going to give up.

Also, I'll say a bit about my experiences with MZX and completing games.

I used to be a terrible MZXer, and terrible programmer in general. Didn't finish a goddamn thing for 10 years except for a few joke games(which I think were pretty successfully tasteless for the time, but still technically lame). Then I took a few programming courses and started doing a lot better in all languages thanks to a professor who was extremely punitive with spaghetti code.

After I developed a bit more confidence with programming in general, I talked to some of the people who were closest to Megazeux's development about how it works; even aside from making and extensively testing new Megazeux versions, these guys are some of the most talented programmers I've talked to. After I started taking their advice, I've been able to successfully accomplish nearly everything I've attempted in MZX, even some things that took me over a decade to pick up!

Also, think of how to use those limits well. MZX's and your own. That's an important thing.

As for the social thing, still largely awkward, give less of a shit about it than ever. People are pretty forgiving of that if you're honest. If not, fuck 'em, let 'em rot. Computer use is significantly more rewarding than normal human interaction anyway.

[Sai'ke]

Koji, on Dec 6 2008, 07:23 PM, said:

Honestly, why is everyone thinking I'm being down on myself?

Maybe because of this? "sneak peek into the soul of a failure."

Be who you are... don't be who you think other people would want you to be .

Besides, if you start thinking for others, chances are you might be wrong .

Now stop this silliness and just relax

[XColX]

I'm struggling to see what social awkwardness has to do with MZXing ability or productivity levels here.
I can only assume you're saying that social awkwardness and shortcomings in other areas of your life have made MZX so important an outlet for you that you can't accept any imperfections or inferiorities in anything you produce with it.

In any case, I wouldn't worry about it. As far as I'm aware, people don't get judged by how good their games are here, and the sooner you realise that the sooner you may become happy with yourself. Obviously if you produce something impressive then people will respect it and respect you for creating it, but no-one will think you are a failure just because something you've made hasn't broken the boundaries of game creation potential. Making a thread to explain (heck, almost apologise for) a lack of output really isn't necessary, Koji.

You said it yourself, MZX is there for you to express yourself. So go ahead, express yourself. Make games for YOU, no-one else, and if you put some heart into it then there's a decent chance they'll be appreciated by others too. Surely that's all that matters, right?

[barbarian]

Koji, on Dec 5 2008, 10:09 AM, said:

*snip*
so yeah, I guess that's me...

Who are you?
So, let's all talk about me.

Fixed.

This post has been edited by barbarian: 10 December 2008 - 03:57 PM

[asgromo]

I don't see that your standards are very high, just that maybe in your privacy, sitting at the computer screen all alone, you felt like you could plan a kind of coup and show everyone for real just who was totally awesome, and so whatever you finally released was going to have to BE that awesome, and you're mathematically inclined so some effects and whatever came naturally to you, and you have a good eye for detail so you paid attention to it, only nothing worked out because you're lazy? And you're bad at a whole bunch of the other aspects of making a video game? Like everyone else? And then you deleted your works in fits of rage because they'd sit there untouched for weeks, or interfere with school or family or whatever, or the community you were going to use them to impress was rejecting you, so what did it matter? I mean forgive me if I'm totally projecting here.

I mean, you can't keep talking about your cripplingly high standards for your own work when you've never been able to properly spell in a forum post! Firefox checks that for you now!